T-shirts should be cheaper for us shills

THEREFORE I AM: top t shirt should be cheaper for us shills By David Spates / davespates@tds.net Why do I have to pay for Nike sportswear, but Tiger Woods gets hisfor free? Perhaps it has something to do with Tiger being the bestgolfer on the planet whose name sells merchandise by the trainload,while I am pleased with a double-bogey on any given hole and am anabsolute nobody in terms of multinational retail sales. Still, ifNike can pay Tiger $105 million to wear its Swoosh, certainly itcould toss me a gratis T-shirt. I have no pride. I'm very happy to serve as a corporate billboard,and it doesn't have to be sports-oriented clothing. Recently my family and I were in Pennsylvania, and we visitedHersheypark. If you ever find yourself in the area, I'd highlyrecommend a visit there. Just be prepared for severe chocolatewithdrawal on the way home. There's so much cocoa in the air atHershey that every breath inhaled tacks on 11 calories. Anyway, toward the end of the day it came time for the inevitable visit tothe souvenir shop. After I convinced my kids that there was no waywe were buying a 10-pound Hershey chocolate bar the size of aflatscreen TV, they settled on some candy-themed teddy bears. Withthe kids taken care of, I perused the T-shirts hoping to findsomething (a) in my size, (b) simple yet indicative of our visit,and (c) not ridiculously overpriced because my wallet, while notbeing able to ingest free-floating chocolate like I can, had becomesignificantly thinner during our time at Hersheypark. I found a great-looking orange T-shirt with the Reese's PeanutButter Cups logo on the front with the park's name written belowit. Finding my size, I happily crossed off (a) and (b) from myshirt-buying criteria. A quick check of the price tag though, andit was not to be. That's when it hit me. If Hershey had any marketing sensewhatsoever, the company should give me a Reese's Peanut Butter Cupsshirt and hope I wear it as often as possible. (Yes, I realizeHershey does indeed have at least a modicum of marketing sense, butsometimes I overstate for effect. You don't sell billions of candybars annually by accident.) What better commercial for your product than people willinglywearing your logo across their chests? Granted, some chests aremore marketable than others, but you get the idea. I never took a single marketing class in college, but I confidentlyassert that Hershey's cost of one Reese's Peanut Butter CupsT-shirt would pay for itself several times over in Reese's cupssold as a direct advertising result of said shirt on said chest. Like most Americans, I see hundreds, sometimes thousands of peopleduring the course of my day. Imagine you're in the grocery store.Here comes a big galoot like me strolling down the aisle wearing abright orange Reese's Peanut Butter Cups T-shirt. Whamo! A certainpercentage of you will buy a Reese's cups before you leave thestore, and Hershey can thank me for the sales. Some of you mightbuy some Reese's cups later that day or later that week, allbecause of me. I'm not saying I want a commission on all those sales (althoughthat's exactly what Tiger is getting on all that Nike stuff you'llsee all weekend at the Open) but is it too much to ask I not becharged $30 for the shirt that sells the product? I mean, really.We're talking about a T-shirt made by some Indonesian factoryworker making 37 cents a day, and it probably cost Hershey's farless than a buck to get it on their shelves. That's quite a markup,even for an amusement park. The best part, for Hershey's, is that I am willing and able to beits corporate shill. I wear T-shirts probably five days a week, andI don't throw them out until they are falling apart at the seams.In fact, I have three T-shirt drawers. The top drawer is foreveryday go-out-in-public T-shirts. These are still fairly new, andI can wear them shamelessly in any situation. The middle drawer isfor T-shirts that have seen better days but are still wearable andfunctional. I abuse these shirts a little more by wearing them tothe gym, mowing the lawn, or any activity in which I expect tosweat profusely. The bottom drawer is a retirement home forT-shirts. These are the shirts I wear for limited public view aspajama tops, while painting, or for wrestling wombats in theAustralian outback. I'm not saying I expect a multimillion-dollar contract fromHershey's for wearing its garb, but the chocolate-maker undoubtedlywould get bang for its T-shirt buck. Thousands of Tennesseans wouldsee me in a free shirt, but you can bet your bottom Jolly Rancherthat Tiger won't be in a bright orange Reese's Peanut Butter Cupsshirt this weekend at the U.S. Open. David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chroniclecontributor whose column is published each Tuesday.